The Person I Wish I Could Forget

The Person I Wish I Could Forget

My brother, he's spent his whole life hurting me and other around me, all because of drugs. He was my first real experience with knowing the darker side of life, of learning the difference between the good and the bad..he was my first bad person should I say. I wish he wasn't, because I spent most of my life loving him, or wanting to be able to love him.
I know that he didn't want to do it, I know that he didn't enjoy causing so much pain, I know there are people out there who do enjoy causing other pain and that he is not one of them. But I want...need to believe that it's not his fault. When he wasn't hurting me the pain still echoed from the past, it was as though his eyes were a window into my childhood. He was the entity of my childhood negativity, the thought of him always provoked my deepest sadness from within.
He stole, he lied, he hurt and he could of died. But he didn't care about that, he didn't care that his life was precious, he didn't care that we could all see him ruining his life. He didn't care that he was destroying people around him. He didn't care that we all had to watch as my Mum worried and pined over losing her son, watching her being crushed over and over again.
He managed to blur the concept of family or me. I couldn't understand how I had such great brothers, and then this one brother confused my image of what a brother is, he tore away everything my life had been about every time he was seen sat outside my home waiting for my mum to let him in to let him pressure her and beg her for forgiveness that he would only ruin once again.
I often ask myself if things would be different if he hadn't started taking heroine, and now as I'm older I know that heroine can change a person, and control there actions, define their future. But what I also know is that he wasn't stupid, he knew the effects he knew the risks. And if it hadn't of been heroine, there would have been something else. He let the underworld drag him to his own hell, but he didn't stop there he couldn't wallow alone in his own hell he had to drag my family as far as he could with him, and that I hate him for.
He broke my heart so many times, he messed with my brain every time he walked or shuffled back into my life. Every time he came back I would hope that I would have my brother where a brother was missing, and every time he fed me lies, every time he used me, every time he was selfish, and every time I was broken.
Now if he were to walk back in I know I would still hope he was being truthful, but could never trust him again.
 Even though I'm not religious I pray for him just in case.
The thing is it's more than me and it's more than him, it's the more than anything it ever was, he has a child now, he shouldn't have a child but he does. She is beautiful, and she is my blood too, and I can't wipe her face from my memory, I fear i might never see her again. When I first held her I cried, because I knew (even though I didn't want to believe it) that I would probably never see her again. My own niece a child I can't help but love and t's her I wish I could forget not him, as he taught me to not trust everyone and to look for deciept. But I want to forget her, so that I don't miss her...
And just so she knows,
There's a place that only you can fill, just so you know, I loved then and I always will

The Person I Wish I Could Forget

The Person I Wish I Could Forget

My brother, he's spent his whole life hurting me and other around me, all because of drugs. He was my first real experience with knowing the darker side of life, of learning the difference between the good and the bad..he was my first bad person should I say. I wish he wasn't, because I spent most of my life loving him, or wanting to be able to love him.
I know that he didn't want to do it, I know that he didn't enjoy causing so much pain, I know there are people out there who do enjoy causing other pain and that he is not one of them. But I want...need to believe that it's not his fault. When he wasn't hurting me the pain still echoed from the past, it was as though his eyes were a window into my childhood. He was the entity of my childhood negativity, the thought of him always provoked my deepest sadness from within.
He stole, he lied, he hurt and he could of died. But he didn't care about that, he didn't care that his life was precious, he didn't care that we could all see him ruining his life. He didn't care that he was destroying people around him. He didn't care that we all had to watch as my Mum worried and pined over losing her son, watching her being crushed over and over again.
He managed to blur the concept of family or me. I couldn't understand how I had such great brothers, and then this one brother confused my image of what a brother is, he tore away everything my life had been about every time he was seen sat outside my home waiting for my mum to let him in to let him pressure her and beg her for forgiveness that he would only ruin once again.
I often ask myself if things would be different if he hadn't started taking heroine, and now as I'm older I know that heroine can change a person, and control there actions, define their future. But what I also know is that he wasn't stupid, he knew the effects he knew the risks. And if it hadn't of been heroine, there would have been something else. He let the underworld drag him to his own hell, but he didn't stop there he couldn't wallow alone in his own hell he had to drag my family as far as he could with him, and that I hate him for.
He broke my heart so many times, he messed with my brain every time he walked or shuffled back into my life. Every time he came back I would hope that I would have my brother where a brother was missing, and every time he fed me lies, every time he used me, every time he was selfish, and every time I was broken.
Now if he were to walk back in I know I would still hope he was being truthful, but could never trust him again.
 Even though I'm not religious I pray for him just in case.
The thing is it's more than me and it's more than him, it's the more than anything it ever was, he has a child now, he shouldn't have a child but he does. She is beautiful, and she is my blood too, and I can't wipe her face from my memory, I fear i might never see her again. When I first held her I cried, because I knew (even though I didn't want to believe it) that I would probably never see her again. My own niece a child I can't help but love and t's her I wish I could forget not him, as he taught me to not trust everyone and to look for deciept. But I want to forget her, so that I don't miss her...
And just so she knows,
There's a place that only you can fill, just so you know, I loved then and I always will

Celebrity: Amy Winehouse Divorced Blake-Fielder--It's over Now

It's no more a rumor now as Amy Winehouse revealed the news to the world that her marriage to her hubby Blake-Fielder Civil is over.The guy is leaving her for German model Sophie Schandorff which is a important improvement on his part. She strongly said there is no way they would be together now and it's all over and she knew it was never going to last long because till now they had been together just for sex and nothing else.

A friend of Amy's also revealed that her sex life with Blake was as madly excessive as their rampant drug use. She even arranged threesomes which I'm betting involved a shitload of duct tape and hush money: They were even involved into threesome although it was Blake's idea but Amy never had a problem with that as she was used to women before. She told she had lots of female lovers and whenever Blake wanted to get into threesome, she used to fix it for him. Their mating not just covered general bondage or sex toys but really freaky stuff you couldn’t mention in a newspaper or to others.Both of them used to push themselves to the excessive limits whether in case of drugs or sex.

I would personally say that this mad women-Amy Winehouse, is the only women in the world who would still want to have a crazy sex even after the honeymoon.She should better leave that giutar and hold something that fits her hands.

Celebrity: Amy Winehouse Divorced Blake-Fielder--It's over Now

It's no more a rumor now as Amy Winehouse revealed the news to the world that her marriage to her hubby Blake-Fielder Civil is over.The guy is leaving her for German model Sophie Schandorff which is a important improvement on his part. She strongly said there is no way they would be together now and it's all over and she knew it was never going to last long because till now they had been together just for sex and nothing else.

A friend of Amy's also revealed that her sex life with Blake was as madly excessive as their rampant drug use. She even arranged threesomes which I'm betting involved a shitload of duct tape and hush money: They were even involved into threesome although it was Blake's idea but Amy never had a problem with that as she was used to women before. She told she had lots of female lovers and whenever Blake wanted to get into threesome, she used to fix it for him. Their mating not just covered general bondage or sex toys but really freaky stuff you couldn’t mention in a newspaper or to others.Both of them used to push themselves to the excessive limits whether in case of drugs or sex.

I would personally say that this mad women-Amy Winehouse, is the only women in the world who would still want to have a crazy sex even after the honeymoon.She should better leave that giutar and hold something that fits her hands.

Breaking News: Florida Boy Suicides on Live Webcam

Sometimes we feel so sad that we even consider ending our lives. Almost 5000 young people each year kill themselves aging from 15 to 24, and this death rate for this group of people has tripled since 1960. Young people killing themselves is nothing new to us, but an incidence of this kind really gives a lot of pain thinking how could they even think of dying and throwing off their lives by committing suicidal acts.

A Florida teenager committed suicide before a live webcam audience after posting messages online about his plan to kill himself.He is Abrahan Biggs Jr, a 19 year old boy from Florida.He was blogging between 3 and 4 a.m. on the 19th, Wednesday, at which time he put a link in the blog to a live webcam and posted a suicide note, and then was seen lying down on the bed.

In a body building forum he used the screen name "CandyJunkie" where he wrote, "I hate myself and I hate living."I have let everyone down and I feel as though I will never change or never improve," Biggs wrote in the posting. "I am in love with a girl and I know that I am not good enough for her. I have come to believe that my life has all been meaningless. I keep trying and I keep failing. I have thought about and attempted suicide many times in the past."

Wendy Crane, an investigator with the Broward County medical examiner's office said that other bloggers told that Biggs have threatened to kill himself many times before but have never done it and so when they saw him on the cam unmoving, many of them thought he was faking or joking again and wasn't worried much.But after watching him unmoved for a long time one of the site's visitors called the police, who tracked down the teen through his computer IP address.



His death was ruled a suicide from combined drug toxicity. His system contained the depressant benzodiazepine as well as opiates.

Breaking News: Florida Boy Suicides on Live Webcam

Sometimes we feel so sad that we even consider ending our lives. Almost 5000 young people each year kill themselves aging from 15 to 24, and this death rate for this group of people has tripled since 1960. Young people killing themselves is nothing new to us, but an incidence of this kind really gives a lot of pain thinking how could they even think of dying and throwing off their lives by committing suicidal acts.

A Florida teenager committed suicide before a live webcam audience after posting messages online about his plan to kill himself.He is Abrahan Biggs Jr, a 19 year old boy from Florida.He was blogging between 3 and 4 a.m. on the 19th, Wednesday, at which time he put a link in the blog to a live webcam and posted a suicide note, and then was seen lying down on the bed.

In a body building forum he used the screen name "CandyJunkie" where he wrote, "I hate myself and I hate living."I have let everyone down and I feel as though I will never change or never improve," Biggs wrote in the posting. "I am in love with a girl and I know that I am not good enough for her. I have come to believe that my life has all been meaningless. I keep trying and I keep failing. I have thought about and attempted suicide many times in the past."

Wendy Crane, an investigator with the Broward County medical examiner's office said that other bloggers told that Biggs have threatened to kill himself many times before but have never done it and so when they saw him on the cam unmoving, many of them thought he was faking or joking again and wasn't worried much.But after watching him unmoved for a long time one of the site's visitors called the police, who tracked down the teen through his computer IP address.



His death was ruled a suicide from combined drug toxicity. His system contained the depressant benzodiazepine as well as opiates.