From Ice Cream To Cage.... The Heat is On

Today we introduce a new contributor - Matt 'Albert' Kerly - who has some choice words for the state of British weather, draws Nic Cage into the Hot Rant fold once again and forwards some troubling thoughts about the mysteries behind the departure of a much-loved superstar.

Hot Rant! Couldn’t be more apt! It’s hot, I’m hot, i’m ranting about being hot. Slap me in the eye with an irony spoon!

Whether we get any or not- heat plays a great part of the British ‘summer’. If there’s none between May and September the nation complains. If the heat does arrive between May and September, a whole other set of factors comes into play, giving some, not all, but many, more to complain about! Buses are ovens on wheels, trains become microwaves on rails, shops- powder kegs of potential violence, MJ’s coffin, a miniature tub of playdough. (brace) And Jo Whiley is a dick (she’s onscreen so it must be Summer).

If I feel brave enough to wander about in this heat, (let’s face it, that intense daylight is somewhat alluring) I’m instantly looking for two things- Ice cream and Air Con! One, an incredibly expensive outlay for potentially little usage per year, and don’t even get me started on the price of Air Con! (At this juncture, I’d like to clarify - I am referring to the atmospheric temperature control system ‘Air. Con’ and not Nic Cage’s’s stolen plane, put-the-bunny-back-in-the-box, action movie ‘Con Air’. However- Remember. That. Face). The other, ice cream.

The big problem with ice cream is that they get more expensive year on year… a ‘99’ was named so, because back in 1978, they cost 99p! NINETY-NINE PENCE! Imagine that! What’s worse- the darn things seem to get smaller every year too! Whoever markets the ‘Feast’ needs to have a serious rethink! I’m suggesting ‘Morsel’, ‘Nibble’ or ‘Tidbit’… no, I’ve got it ‘Pisstake’. “Mint or chocolate flavour ice cream, with a yummy chocolate flavour centre, all covered in a crisp, chocolate flavour coating with crunchy biscuit pieces. Mmm, ‘Pisstake’- what a treat!”

And trying to find an air con system that works in the summer, y’know- when it’s actually needed- is like trying to find the Holy Grail… filled with Slush Puppy! Talking to various friends and family, it appears nobodies’ air con works. M&S and the Odeon amongst others but the best one I’ve been told has got to be Madame. Tussauds’. A tourist attraction that relies on accurate wax replicas to well… attract tourists! Imagine the meltdown… Sylvester Stallone’s mouth level, Boris Johnson’s fringe even, Michael Jacks- (snip! - Ed.)

Actually, on a serious note, amongst the many conspiracy theories surrounding the sad death of MJ, I believe I am the first to raise the following- check this - “June 09 - The new (Michael Jackson) figure recreates the classic Jackson pose of the new tour poster…. …To be unveiled in July 2009, the Madame Tussauds team have been creating the figure for 4 months.” Could this be the ultimate publicity stunt? Are they to unveil this new ‘figure’ only for it to burst to life after a few minutes? (he was fucking good at standing still for ages) …unlikely. But more sinisterly- could have Tussaud’s engineered this whole thing in an evil attempt to cut corners on their new MJ figure? Sounds unrealistic right? Not if you have a certain A-list actor on your side.

Look at this covert footage and tell me something untoward isn’t going on. Complete the trail of thought… Michael Jackson – Lisa Marie Presley and... bingo!

I’ve blown this wide open…

…and only slightly over the word limit. M.A Kerly